Jordan found me inspiring. Miss Suzanne was worried.

Let me be real with you.

Because as many times as I say I'm going to go to that therapist and get all feel better, I know that's just another thing--another load of dishes I'm not going to do any time soon or until someone makes me.

Everyday I am awake for one hour before I get out of bed. That one hour is me thinking about my life. From start to finish. My day ahead, the day before. Trying not to cry.

After I think I run my fingers through my hair. If there are knots in it that is usually what wakes me up. I know movies aren't real but I want to wake up like those girls with pretty flowing hair and make up.

I brush my hair, or take a shower. I sit. I lay back down. I play on my phone. I go online. I sit.

I don't want to go to work. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to go get groceries. I'm not just avoiding things that are chores.

I do not want to leave the house.

Because why? What's the point?

How long does it take for the bank to know you're not enrolled in classes?

How much would I have to pay on student loans?

How many people did I tell I would definitely graduate college?

How many people did I tell i would definitely do or not do a lot of things?

How long does it take a lady you met while checking her out at Michael's who just so happened to be an employee of the community college you want to go to to e mail you back?

How do you sign up to go to college?

Is it too late?

Why didn't I before?

I did have days off, didn't I? What did I do on those days? Nothing? I suck.

Why does my brother suck?

Will my niece be okay?

People.

People.

People I hate people.

I like puppies. I want a puppy. Puppies are never as terrible and heartless as people.

people. people that don't like. you. won't like. you. ever. no matter what. because you don't think right because you're probably crazy. because you're ugly. because you don't go to church. because you don't want to want to. because you're you and it's too hard to change that.

people want you to be exactly like them so they can look at themselves and say how terrible they are. they want to hate you so they can hate themselves through a cozy third party.

yum. yum. yum.

none of you know how I feel or think everyday.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you I guess.

I mean, Ty knows. But that's just because we're always together. And eventually he had to find out.

I can't even write anymore. I'm stuck in this. It's always been there. Hovering. But I've never been stuck before.

I'm scared. Everything is hard.

But what really bothers me is that I know I'm fine, everything is fine. I'm doing fine. I just get so anxious. And angry. And upset.

I want to go somewhere that I don't know anyone. With no expectations and no reservations. I just want to sleep.