J O R D A N

I don't understand anything.

My parents are fighting right now.
I can hear their voices, but not the words, and that's the most frustrating thing in the world.

My mom spent three hours going back and forth from a psychiatrist to a doctor to a hospital.
The overall diagnosis is that she has one of three problems:
1: Because she's been smoking since she was thirteen, it's likely that the nicotine's affect on her brain is beginning to take the form of memory problems and general clumsiness (the area that nicotine affects ((effects??)) is the same as deals with memory.)
2: She may have thyroid disease/cancer (I forget which, and I don't feel like googling.)
3: She's in the beginning stages of Alzhiemer's (Because, even though she's only 46, it's not unheard of people as young as her to develop it. And, my great-grandmother has it, so there's a family history.)

And now I can hear Grady saying, "None of this is NEW. What's NEW is you using it as an excuse to be LAZY."

I don't understand why people argue.
Because I just don't-- argue, that is.
I mean, I facebook drama.
But when tensions rise face to face, I become this doormat for ever and anyone to walk all over.
I just sit there, and I think about all of the things I could say, all of the witty come backs I could make, but I don't say them because I'm so small.
I'm not fragile, by any means.
But I am sort of like your mom's favorite vase.
If I hit the carpet, I'm not going to break, but you shouldn't throw me anyways.

If that makes any sense at all.

I wish I knew what communication is.
I just think it's so pointless.
All these words, all these phrases, all these punctuation marks.
None of it can accurately convey my thoughts and feelings to you.
You'll never understand what I'm really talking about.
And I will never understand you.
And that's just so incredibly sad to me.

I think that finding your soulmate is less about love and more about the one person in the world that DOES understand.
Maybe not exactly, but they come so so so close that it doesn't even matter.
That little 20% of not understanding is unimportant because no one else has a percentage that small. The rest of the world is floating in the 80's and 90's, but there's this one person that's worked their way up into the 20's and on some days into the teens.
I want that.
Not today, or tomorrow.
But eventually.
I want someone to understand me the way I need to be understood.
Because until someone understands me, everything I say will be completely pointless.

Gibberish is funny, but it doesn't teach you anything.
It's just gibberish.

And I don't want to talk gibberish.
And I don't want to marry a man I argue with every day.
And I don't want to have five bajillion kids that I can barely afford.
And I don't want to sleep on the sofa forever.

I want a man, a house, and three dogs.



>>
I cannot accurately tell you how in awe I am of her. Jordan is a philosopher. She is a voice, she's what no one hears when a tree falls in the forest, she's the tree and the thump and God yelling timber. And I don't want to be the only one to know that.