P E O P L E F A R M

I wonder if we ever grow up. I don't want to think that I'm grown up now, because I don't really believe I am. If I was, this stuff wouldn't happen to me. The things that I stress over. The things that bother me wouldn't effect me on the scale that they do. I would be like, oh well. I wouldn't think every single thing is the end of the world. But I do. And I acknowledge that. So maybe in that ability to self-diagnose my self as childish I'm more of an adult, but I also know that I won't change. I can't be less self-conscious. I can't be less sensitive. I can't will myself to not care. I feel stunted. I feel like this is where I am right now. And maybe one day I'll wake up and realize I can hate without stumbling. I can hurt without mourning. And I can care without feeling. I don't want my emotions to get the best of me, or even any of me--but as for now, they've got all of me. And everything takes a back seat to my emotions, what my hormones say, what my feelings say I should do. But, I just don't think they're the best judge of anything. I don't think feeling upset should keep me from sleeping, eating, or being productive. I don't think I should worry as much as I do over the things I do. But, believing and knowing that isn't going to stop me from feeling that. And as long as I feel like that, I'm going to act the way I do. So why is it that I can know exactly what's wrong but not how to fix it?


In that. I am young. I am not grown. I deserve my terrible job, my corrupt boss, my sleepless nights, and my aimless stab at sanity. Youth is the blind leading the blind, through everything that makes you learn--and you can only learn adult-inese through experience. You can only study your past. And I don't think everyone gets out of that. I think some people could be children forever because they like it, the uncertainty, the innocence. They don't want to be accountable. Ignorance, though, is never an excuse. We are always supposed to learn from our mistakes, even the ones we don't see. But, I think I can't see a lot right now. There's too much in my head for sleep. I just want us all to be better. So much better. I don't want to hate you.