S O N A O W U T

My day is not going very well. Probably because my night was terrible.

I stayed up all night trying to figure out people. Trying to understand this business about good and bad people, and how there aren't any. How everyone is a person so everyone is fallible--everyone can be blamed for their actions, and there actions can be judged, but in no way can people and their actions be combined. So when people do things that hurt me--I don't judge them for it anymore. When someone does something I don't approve of, I think less of that action not of that person.

But there has to be a line. There has to be a part where the person's actions affect the space around them--become a part of their life. Maybe their actions are still not them, but there actions are frequent and predictable and so when I avoid a person it is because I disapprove of their actions--and hope their actions change.

Up until this point I 've thought I could be friends with a person and not be affected by their actions--but I've found that's not the case. Because people are affected by the actions of other people. And my decision to avoid a certain type of action has nothing to do with people.

This realization, however, leads me to the revision of an idea I've had: I do not hate P E O P L E I hate what people do.

Though people and their actions are seperate, I also think people can make a conscious effort to control their efforts--I hate that people don't do that. It's unfair of me to say that I hate people aren't what I want them to be. I'm not sure what kind of person would be acceptable to me, really, but people always let me down. People hurt me and I'm tiried of being hurt.

And when I think about God, I know he is not a person--because all his actions are controlled and all he is is perfect. And when I think about God, I wonder if he let me life get this way, or if I did.

I think about staying up till one to write three papers, writing two, getting to class, and having only one configured correctly. My computer could be a person then, or is it just not God?